Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   My soulmate is probably selling her body for narcotics as we speak.

   Had a nightmare that I was married.

   The only thing more annoying than working for a living is people.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   I'm calling an emergency meeting between my eyes and your boobs.

   Some people are in a long distance relationship with common sense.

   Rihanna filed a restraining order against a man for breaking into her house. I assume when all of this blows over she'll make him a key.

   Pope Benedict just changed his relationship status with the Vatican to "It's complicated".

   I got 99 problems, and "Honey Boo Boo" tops the list!!!

   I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

   You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What should you do? ... Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

   90% of the time I drop my IPhone because I wanna see a picture horizontal.

   In life its only a thief who genuinely wishes you to prosper and succeed.

   I would love to kill you with kindness,but all I have is this knife.

   I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out...

   I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my FB friends.

   To find Waldo, you must first find yourself

   I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it...

   The number of people killed because alcohol is easily offset by the number of people conceived because of alcohol.