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I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place? 
The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Me: Here you go officer. Cop: This is a notecard with “License thingie” written on it in red crayon. Me: I have one in blue if you prefer.
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
Whoever made murder illegal seriously did everyone I know a huge favor.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Seeing a unicorn would be incredible and all, until you realize a wild animal with a spike on its head tends to enjoy spearing things to death.
people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long
By ignoring me, you have just made yourself a powerful stalker!
Girls with big boobs never have to worry about having spinach stuck in their teeth.
For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite
Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.
Nothing says "Virgin" like having a score of above a million on temple run.
I’m one of the 6 black guys in the world who has never slept with a Kardashian. :(
If this weekend were any shorter it would be called a Kim Kardashian marriage.
Sometimes when you’re about to say you’re against abortion you hear a Justin Bieber song and you hold that thought.
If people fall in love with you too late, don't accept that love; Its after effects are annoying. It means there are some hidden problems with you or with that person.
Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?
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