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I sure hope my wife passes her kidney stone soon! I'm getting hungry... 
One day I will claim that $37 trillion in US dollars from the bank in Zimbawe I keep getting an email from. . .
I don't care how hot you are, honey...if I go to "toss the salad" and you didn't clean up right...it's over.
I don't procrastinate. I just like to have a lot to look forward to.
Thought for the day: is Taylor Swift's song 'We are never getting back together' actually about her legs ?
Way to go American Idol judges. Publicly judging Charlie to where he is in tears, and now I'm just waiting for him to go "postal" on A.I. This season is about to heat up.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who's sick of her bulls hit.
I hate it when auto spell cant approve any of my spellings
This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
it rude to ask a guy if he is Pregnant?
Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A. Whichever of the two was male.
By the time I manage to actually say my safe word, only dogs can hear it.
If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"
Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to my X-girlfriends house?
I hate when I'm singing and people join in. B*tch, this aint glee.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
Fun thing to do #78 When you order a Coke and the waiter asks, "Is Pepsi okay?" shout "WHAT AM I, AN ANIMAL?"
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable. 