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Leaving the house with my phone at 30% battery, wish me luck everyone. Send me your prayers in these tough times. 
I feel like my dogs version of porn is watching me eat chicken.
This Repressed Childhood Memory Foam mattress isn't providing any kind of comfort.
Got a dashcam, so am all set for the next meteorite.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it's a vegetable.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
after I ask the magic 8-ball, I get a second opinion from the bobble-head..
I do a five-minute open mic set several times a week. The order taker at Jack in the Box thinks I'm a riot.
Had to sit down half-way through peeling a hard-boiled egg.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I passed my drug test with FLYING COLORS!!! the LSD section anyways...
You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.
alcohol and drugs is not the answer...unless you're asking what I'm doing this weekend.
Fat chicks like hash tags cause they look like waffles #
Guys If a Woman Shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
A real woman knows how to make you feel wanted, dead or alive.
If a chick eats some expensive cuisine in a 5-star restaurant and does not post a pic of it on her FB wall, did it even happen?
Before you and your best friend decide to stop speaking to each other, hug them and stab them to death because they know way too much.
They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.
Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created. 