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I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me. 
Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.
The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.
Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.
I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!
Times are tought, jobs are scarce, I know I don't have the greatest body, but for you single ladies, I'll gigolo if the price is right. . .
Why do hot girls perish by ugly girls?
When it's raining I don't work, when its sunny I don't work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
I'm so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The eucalyptical is a rare machine, found only in koala gyms.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
So, which Pope is your favorite going into the combine?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
the other person supposed to know you're having Tantric sex with them?
I'm developing an app that locates se x offenders near you. It's really just a directory of churches, but it's pretty accurate.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
WOULD you like fries with that? Would YOU like fries with that? Would you LIKE fries with that? - Most actors, preparing for work 