Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   90% of people who claim to have "come from the bottom" don't realise that they are still stuck at the bottom.

   So, I found out I have O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder.

   there are so many people I would love to tell off... if only I never had to see them again

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   Try saying "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like a drunken Irishman

   Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload the gun instead of shooting into a bullet proof vest.

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

   Santa works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging people. Where can I apply for this job?

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   I love when people see me and say..." Ohh I've been meaning to call you.. But lost your number.." B itch my number hasn't changed in 10 yrs! It should be implanted into your brain cells!

   believes hunting is totally wrong unless you are hunting cougars.

   I'm not impatient...I just don't like to wait.

   Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.

   President and Michelle Obama had a great interview in this months Vogue Magazine about fashion. All of America's problems are now solved.

   The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots

   My insurance is so bad, I pay a co-pay to watch Dr. Oz

   Justin Bieber's hamster died. He'd had it for two months. The only hamster to truly know the meaning of Rest In Peace

   how can you tell when your baby needs more oil and where do I add it??