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Scientists are trying to find new ways to deflect asteroids in case one gets close to hitting Earth. My theory is putting a Cubs uniform on the asteroid would render it incapable of hitting anything. 
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family
I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.
facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"
If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.
I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"
Every medicine made in China is like PROS: you’ll stop coughing. CONS: you might die!
If you pull out my earphones I will pull out your vocal cords!
Of course best friend, you are allowed to have other friends as long as you love me more.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Are you a low budget movie, because you are boring?
I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy 