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my wife thinks she marred a sex therapist cause she keeps saying if I want your f ning advise I will ask you for it 
Every single person on the planet has the reflexes of a superhero if you start scrolling through their photos while holding their phone.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.
Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.
Dont you hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn sandwich."
204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet you can't find a decent relationship. Must be something wrong with you.
The least realistic part of Deep Impact is the way everyone in the world accepts the conclusions of science.
This weekend feels like its going to be a "safe-word free" type of weekend.
204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship. This sucks!!!!
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Shout out to my thrid grade teacher for teaching me cursive, my fith grade teacher for teaching me how to use the Index of an Encyclopedia and my seventh grade teacher for teaching me how to boot a computer into DOS. PS. Google says, "Hi!"
My son got one of those 'Stop Bullying' wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid!
Hey, stop staring at me! Is it your first time to see a guy doing hula hoops at a gym?
My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Maybe....just maybe if we wait a little longer, a fú¢k fell in my hand, I can give it to you.
FACT... Girls that smoke are 20X more likely to put something else dirty in their mouths.
Come on people if you're gonna walk at night smoke a cigarette or something so I can see you, can't be having any more dents in my car. 