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I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast. 
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.
ny psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
When I start my drinks, my di&k does all the thinking..
If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your s&it and knowing you’re s&it.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I live for two reasons… 1. I was born. 2. I haven’t died yet.
Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%
This guy next to me is giving me the get off your phone and drive look.
I wonder if I'd get kicked out of an AA if I pulled a Jeff Spicoli and ordered a pizza to it.
Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched.
Those yoga pants are too shear ~ no man ever
My brackets perfect so far, I fill it out after every game.
I Love The Taste Of Water...Especially If It Has Barley,Yeast,Hops,and Sugar Added To It and Left In A Little Dark Brown Bottle In A Cool Celler For A Few Months.
a plus to dressing slutty on a date - you really don't have to be all that interesting.
Every time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard. 