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When dropping off prescriptions for two people with the same name...make sure the dates of birth are correct. Apparently my 12 year old is on Blood Presure meds now... 
After having sex with a lady the polite thing to say is "It was nice to meat you."
Prostitutes are buysexual
Uh Oh...just what we need, a Pope with a Foot Fetish
Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.... The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.
Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!
Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.
I love when you say something that is just dripping with sarcasm and people still can't figure it out.
People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"
~ Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls ≧◔◡◔≦ EEeeeeeee ~
Most gay couples don't have children of their own. You can't really cabby legitimately use that to argue your homophobic argument.
Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I'll listen to your views on climate change right after you shovel my driveway.
I've discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I'm probably going to die alone.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If you're for gay marriage then you are also for hurting children. Kids need a mother and a father:not two dads or two moms. There is no arguing this fact.
I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, so I did the twist. They played “Jump”, so I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”… I got kicked out for that one.
Easter: The day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face.
I'm not sure if Internet p@rn has really ruined any relationships but I'm sure it's ruined some keyboards. 