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I'm not saying she's fat. I'm just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know.... She'd be three of them. 
I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!
i gotta crap so big I'm thinking I need to hire a event planner!
but why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?
When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".
You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."
If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.
Facebook should have an automatic detection service that as soon as someone posts something regarding the gym or healthy eating, then they immediately get rewarded with a medal that they are obviously after.
If anyone wonders what a difference a year can make in someone's life....allow me to explain......if someone had told me a year ago....that Lance Armstrong and I would have the same number of Tour de France wins....I would have argued with them....but now
One of the hardest things I ever had to do as a kid was OPEN a Band-Aid with a cut finger... using a stupid red string.
Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Terrible 2's->sweet 16->slutty 18-> Alcoholic 21
more arrogance than Rick 'The Model' Martel
can see John Cena, when will he realise that a big bulky man like that with bright clothes is quite easy to see, everyone can see you.
still can't smell what The Rock is cooking, can you?
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