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I read quantum physics magazines for the particles... 
Wearing a sweater that's not fully dry; why don't you tell me how your morning's going so I can feel better about my life choices.
"Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry."
Does anyone out there realize that reality shows are scripted and are not really reality?
I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!
FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.
Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?
To really intrigue, women must be capable of revenge and cruelty — toward others or themselves.
Just realized I havn't checked in on my Tamagotchi for 14 years. Wish my wife could be the same way.
I need to get my life together. I spilled Life cereal all over the counter!
i was winning egg hunts before I was even born
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner. --daniel tosh
COPY THIS AS YOUR STATUS AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE RATE YOU. | 1. Perfect | 2. Perfect | 3. Perfect | 4. Perfect | 5. Perfect | 6. Perfect | 7. Perfect | 8. Perfect | 9. Perfect | 10. Perfect | 11. Perfect | 12. Perfect | 13. Perfect | 14. Perfect | 15. Perfect
I just drank some food color, now I think I'm dyeing inside.
Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.
4/04 Day Not Found.
So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
If you always generalize about women, you're ugly, poor, insecure, or you might have grown up in your mother's basement. At the worst-case scenario, you've got a crap partner.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five men talked crap about the fifth one whenever he was out of earshot. 