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Everything has gone to hell ever since Dennis Rodman visited North Korea, I wonder what he told them 
Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!
A study shows that breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness…from all the free drinks.
Girls: All guys are a*seholes!. Me: Nooo they're not, I'm right here!!!! :(
I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.
In a relationship you'll find either your soulmate or your cellmate.
Are rectal thermometers filled with Freddie Mercury?
Ever been so hammered you open up a box of Frosted Flakes thinking it's a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger?
Being a d*ck, isn't going to make yours bigger.
Try this... Whenever leaving fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I'm a pair of skinny jeans short of a mid life crisis
Let's be Sonny & Cher....I'll get old and show everyone my a$$, and you can ski into a tree and die.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
95% of lifes conversations boil down to "If you pretend to care about what I'm saying, I'll pretend to care about what you're saying."
Love your job but don't love your company because you may not know when your company stops loving you.
Wanted to wear something less restricting to work today so I went with granny panties and a Snuggie and that's why I'm in HR this morning.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
I envy a gay man's ability to not be lured to shipwreck by a nice pair of breasts. 