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I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan. 
Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Be alert! The world needs more lerts!
Sometimes you're the windshield and sometime you're the bug!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Video games don't encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I'm torn between living skinny and dying happy.
The only charities I've donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
holds twitter under black light.... Gross.
If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn't even have lights at the Super Bowl.
Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!
Note to the woman in front of me buying a book called, "This Is Why You're Fat" and a Godiva chocolate bar: this is why.
Did you know it's physically impossible for 3 women to take a photo together and not do the Charlie's Angels pose?
North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friend list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention...
I am bacon level happy.
The after Easter prices of Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are one of life's simple but not quite free pleasures.
I just downloaded the bible on my I-Pad. Now I have a good excuse to bring my I-Pad into church!
scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever! 