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WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms. 
Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.
If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Don't worry guy's, my family could hold off North Korea by ourselves......
The only thing I spill when I'm drinking is my reputation...
When I was younger, I lived in downtown San Diego. I was a chubby little white boy trying not to be noticed by the local gang groups. When they did notice me one day, I was scared. Until they tried to take my Pokemon Gold game. Nearly beat them to death.
When I say "I did laundry," I say it in a voice that infers that I just spent 12 hours beating the clothes against rocks near a remote creek
Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I HATE people who take drugs. Customs for example.
Forget North Korea and America, the next nuclear war will be between your lips and mine...tonite.
Keys to a good marriage: 1) Trust 2) Communication 3) Intimacy 4) Blocking each other on Social Networks And 5) Alcohol
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
'Rolling In The Deep' is my favorite song about ecstasy.
Some of my best relationships have been the ones I didn’t understand.
I’m so glad I found you in all this wreckage of a planet.
I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...
If your wife is "rewarding" you with sex when you're good, you really need to work harder at getting her to view sex as her own reward.
When I was 12 my mom caught me dry humpin' my stuffed animal Tweety Bird.. we haven't made eye contact since. 