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Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon. 
I won the celebrity death pool today, I had Shain Gandee...
When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The nice thing about hitting a pothole with my truck tire is that it usually changes the order of the dash trouble lights.
If You Can't Be With The One You Love... Slap The One You're With!
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.
Don't worry about the problems in North Korea, besides the destroyer......we've sent the B52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.
If that guy loved his horse so much, why'd he sell it to a beer company in the first place?
My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate
I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you."
I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...
They say listening to Justin Bieber is the gateway drug to taking a w iener in your butt.
Great!! An attack by North Korea means that we will have to wait 50 years before Samsung gets a chance to sell their new Galaxy S4.
being single does not always mean you're available
Justin Bierber's album Believe (Acoustic) is the number one album in America. And we wonder why the rest of the world hate us.
Took the stairs at work today. Not to be healthy, because the elevator smelled like boiled egg farts...
Why does Mike Tyson Cry during sex...... MACE LOL
April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.
I went to the mall today and the power went out, I was stuck on the escalator for 30 minutes.
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