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you aren't single because of your high standards. You're single because you're fugly... 
Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push!
When people don't know what's going on in your life they SPECULATE....When they think they know...they FABRICATE...AND when they do know.......they just HATE
David Cameron has said that Britain is prepared 4 nuclear attacks from North Korea. David we weren't even prepared for snow in the winter
"Sing my music, Say my name" F A N D A N G O
im going to steal my Brothers mushrooms and eat them so I can grow bigger like Mario!
Are you related to Yoda? 'Cause Yodalicious!
I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but... I'm Batman.
Doctor: "In order to find out exactly what's wrong, you'll need to see the nurse and have a blood test." " Alright," I said, "How long will that take?" "About a week." he replied. "A week with your nurse sounds Ok" I said, "But how much damn
I don't always hit women, but when I do....it's to smack it, flip it and rub it down.
Seriously. Don't you just love it when someone hits you up on facebook chat and your WiFi goes out?
I have a great name for a dating site which pretty much sums the whole thing up in a nutshell...Desperate Losers.
If we took all of the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be a poor family with dysentery watching their oxen die.
Anyone got a hand basket? I gotta go somewhere.
Sometimes I like to order my food "to go" then eat the whole thing at the counter while staring the cashier right in the eye
I just launched a new fragrance ! - a great way to announce a fart
New diet idea. Have someone break your heart.....don't eat for 3 months
I wonder if Chinese people put smileys like this ¦)
if crackheads smoked meth, they'd be methheads... duh.
Shout out to pizza for giving me shin splints... Indirectly, but still. 