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Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them. 
You like Justin Bieber? Well good for you! I like the smell of my own fart, but you don't see me bragging about it.
I came so hard earlier today my index finger is still bragging about it
It's like my bank account doesn't understand me.
So you say you’re fat because you had children. What did they taste like?
How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude
Menstruation Day 1. Don't touch me Day 2. Hug me Day 3. Don't talk to me Day 4. Why don't you speak to me? Day 5. You never understand me
Women are like drinks in a party; if you leave them alone, someone will steal them.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Marriage is the only war, during which, you sleep with the enemy.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
This rum tastes way better hiding on isle 5 in the grocery store drinking it
We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.
Dont say you miss her when youre the reason why she left ...#TeamNoGoingDownTown
Sometimes You have to realize that ......( some people can stay in your HEART without being in your LIFE ) ......
Wait now. It's OK to show g a why couples kissing but not a beautiful woman. That's BS!
Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.
I don't remember seeing anything in the Bill of Rights that says you can't get rid of the people who use guns in criminal act. Yup....Now , about that budget ... . .
I can't believe you brought to this restaurant that doesn't have any liquor. What am I suppose to eat!?
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth 