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I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them. 
Welcome to the slurring portion of my evening. Please refrain from any direct eye contact.
for my money, the greatest medical miracle of the past 40 years is fake titties!!
Earthday Birthday. Yeah, because as everyone knows, the day that the Earth was formed, the Gregorian calendar was already the accepted standard by which time was measured.
I'm sick of all this Wiccan stuff. As far as I'm concerned, they're still food stamps.
It's because donkey and monkey don't rhyme that I'm so angry at the world.
Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car
Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..
When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to drink a cold Beer.....
It's funny how after an argument is over you begin to think about more clever things you should have said...
You can tell it’s spring by:- The emergence of muffin tops, the flapping of bingo wings and sightings of socks with crocs!!
Explaining G A why marriages to Jesus when he returns is the least of our problems. Explaining Justin Bieber, Kardashians, Gangnam style is what we should be worried about.
Facebook wants me to reconnect with a lot of girls who's boobies I touched when I was 16.
Now I lay her down to eat, I pray her pus*y don't smell like feet. But if it smells to bad to lick, I pray she's good at sucking di*k. Amen
If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night in there.
Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.
I cross my legs when I sit on the toilet, for I am a classy gentleman.
A moment of silence for all the brave coffee beans that gave their lives, so millions of people can get through another day.
Dear coworkers, please understand that my headphones on are the international sign for "leave me the hell alone." 