Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The nice thing about dating a girl who has 3 dogs, 3 cats and a horse, is that she is already accustomed to the smells and animal-like behavior.

   I tried................... But I can't watch even 5 minutes of "Meet The Depressed" or "This Bleak with George Stephanopoulos".....

   Im too lazy too be fake. Being real takes alot less effort, I dont have to do anything besides be myself.

   Keep the dream alive.....Hit the snooze button 6 times

   You can stay, but your morals have to go!

   We should have known we were doomed as a race when people started buying ready-grated cheese.

   Of course I have real friends. They're named beer, whiskey, and vodka.

   I just rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I saw where I went wrong.

   If you are a por n addict, it’s not advisable to go to church, coz when the women kneel you anticipate something else.

   The weather was terrible today. One person stole my thunder, and somebody else rained on my parade.

   Celebrities won't talk to me. Now what am I suppose to do on Twitter?

   Significant others are like linoleum floors... Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. You should definitely not buy it.

   I shed a tear every time my cell phone rings at work and its not Morpheus

   I'm trying really hard here not to apply myself, but I'm just so full of adhesive.

   I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and drink your poison.

   I want to toss all my regrets away, but I know that I'll need one later.

   I prefer going to the pub than going to church because the spirits in the pub are real