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I don't like it when peoples toes look too fat for their toe nails. Sick. 
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.
I will not only make you say my name, I will also make you spell it!
I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I bet the man who discovered milk felt awkward when he had to explain why he was doing that to a cow in the first place...
it sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice all over your fries..
nothing makes you a hypocrite like becoming a parent...
I will take a dose of my own medicine...But I will also chase it with a shot of tequila.
It isn't considered littering if you throw your beer cans out the window after spotting the police. I call it disposal of evidence but the law calls it tempering with the evidence.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Any hedge can be a maze if your drunk enough.
You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.
I love you so much I increased your life insurance. Now shut up and lets go camping in the bear-infested woods.
Starting my prune juice and baked bean diet tomorrow
I have an immigration plan all americans will support. The hot chicks are allowed to stay. The fat chicks and the guys get sent back to Mexico.
I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.
"Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" - Women
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. The I realized she was just putting me on hold
You say, 'I think its soo cool when your EX becomes an XXL' What if it's caused by anxiety of losing you and missing you?
I think its soo cool when your EX becomes an XXL 