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Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies 
For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.
If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life
my buddies and I have an agreement when it comes to women. We agree they're all crazy...
Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.
The gentleman in me says, "Let it go." But the animal in me says, "Sh*t in her shoes."
Whoever let women in the army, I salute you. Women on their period, with a gun... Unstoppable!
Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."
There's a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email.
So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!
So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!
Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.
God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.
God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.
And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."
I don't understand why g@y guys won't sleep with women. I mean they have butt-holes too.
Ugh my girlfriend is taking forever to exist!
Pollen: Natures way of blowing a load all over everything. Happy Spring!
Its easier to prove that god does not exist than it is to prove that he does exist.
If there's no bacon, it's not breakfast. 