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Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet. 
I look up to people who don’t look down on other people.
How does a Kardashian change a light bulb? They buy a new mansion.
sprung after seeing a girl walk in with an itty bitty waist and put a round thing in his face.
Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.
My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.
I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."
Honestly, I have no idea what to do with 5 hours of energy.
Deleting ppl from FB has become the new way to hang-up on ppl. I still miss the feeling I get from hanging-up the phone on someone face!!
I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks.
What does a fat musIim say? ALLAH SNACKBAR!
eBay makes things so much more simple and quicker when your purchasing...
Police in Sweden found drugs on Justin Bieber's bus. I'm sure it wasn't for him. It was for the rest of his crew who have to tolerate him.
A part of me wants to go to the gym and the other part of me is a liar.
Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.
I got caught with a booger on my finger. So I put it back in her nose and apologized for disturbing her nap. I'll try again later.
Your about as relevant as a Facebook poke
I read today that 99% of women don't like men in leather pants. That is convenient...because 99% of men in leather pants don't like women.
I stopped saying I liked women with "junk in the trunk" when I realized it wasn't a euphemism for ana l.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life. 