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My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the 'praying mantis' position and she tore my head off 
If you caught a terrorist the same week of his crime instead of using it as a pretext to invade two countries, You Just Pulled An Obama
When in the middle of an argument shut her up by kissing her. Unless it’s a teller at your bank, then she just calls for security.
I’m using Internet explorer. I need some help from you guys good with computers. How does one send a smoke signal using this thing?
Joyce, the office slut, just sneezed and now we all have to take a mandatory HIV test on Monday :(
Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know
CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?
Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser
I hate texting people first. I feel awkward, annoying and unwanted
"Please don't put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Anything you can do I can do drunker.
Call me old fashioned, but I don't want anything to do with a woman that can't lick her own nipples
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...
Who lied to you, people who call themselves beautiful?
Not all guys want multiple girlfriends at the same time... 1 is enough trouble.
I am woman! Hear me babble until you zone out and then get pissed because you weren't paying attention. Roar.
I can say everything I will ever need to say to you with one finger.
Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?
After knocking all the mens hats off, Bill was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to"........ 