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My blood type is "Aunt Jemima". 
optimistic people say "nobody is perfect" ......all my haters say "he's nobody"....even my haters think i'm perfect
I'm up to no good with good intentions.
What do you call a Mexican who has just lost his car? Carlos
Behind everyone's favorite song, there is an untold story
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something....... I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes
Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)
"DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube
I asked my girl, Can we make a baby? She text back and said, Ok... it's not just for money during tax season right?
Tim Tebow is fired the same day a NBA player announces he's gay. Cinco de Mayo must be coming up
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick…My girlfriend.
切是食品 means "cutting food" not "everything that moves is food" sheesh.
If por n has taught me anything it’s that if you’re going to put anything in your mouth, you better spit on it first.
the new b ush library has one wing dedicated to weapons of mass destruction but no one can seem to find it..
I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.
How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus
I wasn't speeding officer, but I passed several people who were!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
Does hearing voices in my head qualify me for driving in the car pooling lane? 