Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I guess it's "No Pull Out" season. Almost every chick on Facebook is pregnant.

   Dear those people who use their cellphones as a personal stereo in public, stop it. Sincerely, Everybody

   Did you know you that you don’t have to put every meal you eat on Instagram? You can just eat it.

   The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.

   Mmm-Kay,,, The recipe said "turn the oven to 180 degrees," so I did... But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   My signature move is walking past all the ladies in the gym with my chest puffed out before using all of the exercise equipment incorrectly.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   You shouls say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   Holding someone accountable is a form of love, too.

   I think Taylor Swift should walk in while Kim Kardashian is in labor and say “Hey, Kanye, I know you’re having a baby and all, but I just wanted to say that Beyoncé had the best baby of all time!"

   looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...

   Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".

   You have to get along with everybody. You're out-numbered.

   7 Billion people, 14 billion Faces.

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   If life is a b*tch then make sure yours is a good looking one!

   People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.