Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   used to arrive fashionably late to parties until he realized it didn't matter because the party only starts when he arrives.

   It's not gay if you forgot your safe word.

   I swear when black girls wear green contacts they look like a walking xbox

   Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!

   The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his p*ssy.

   if you’ve ever had a crush on me god bless your poor misguided heart.

   Dear Liver, The drinking will continue until your attitude improves.

   I got a little over-aggressive on the trampoline so my 2 year old should be landing in a couple of minutes.

   I said I don't want to talk to you, I didn't say ignore me. - WOMEN

   "May the 4th" be with you!

   I had fanasy;s about the female voice in my head. She is Pregnant, Great I have to pay child support for the next 18 years.

   Nothing says I'm cool quite like the sound of Velcro ripping apart.

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   I just cut my lip on an Oreo. Well it was 3 Oreos. At the same time.

   Keeping a kayak on the top of your car is a great way to say “I’m outdoorsy, yet douchey

   Pitching tents in your pants doesn't mean you're outdoorsy.

   Always take a homeless person with you when you go camping.They're outdoorsy, work for food. & you can leave them anywhere you want to.

   "MORNING!" "MORNING!" "HEY!" "YO!" "NICE DAY!" "YEAH!" "I LIKE SEEDS!" "ME TOO!" "I HATE CATS!" "SO DO I!" - birds at 4:30 am

   Silly me....being the city slicker that I am...I thought the KY Derby was a lubrication contest.