Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   maybe vodka is addicted to ME

   Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.

   Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"

   I would've never gotten married if I'd known there would be chores.

   When I'm bored I like to put on my red polo shirt and khakis, then storm into the nearest Target and quit.

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   I was walking down the street and saw a ugly pregnant lady and I though ... Good for you !

   I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.

   I'm gonna fill a piñata with actual animal guts ! That's what I call a surprise party kids !

   I knew a girl once who though she was a tease! But she wasn't good looking enough so she was just annoying !

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   I don't know what the big deal is about Cinco De Mayo, Heck my Grandma can beat the French

   why dont the makers of bath tubs make them with slip proof grip

   Cinco De Mayo is just a remind a bunch of Mexicans kicked the French's behind in 1862!

   There are no masters or servants in the grave, just The Dead.

   I can’t express to you in words how much I love you and that’s why I’m at your house setting up candles and sharpening your knives.

   DAD: "Son go back to bed. Monsters arent real" SON: "But dad I'm scared. And what are you wearin?" DAD: "Just armor to protect me from aliens. Aliens are real son"

   My sister calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store.

   The Chupacabra came down the chimney and left me a Piñata full of coal ...that means 6 more months of Tequila! Happy Cinco De Mayo

   Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.