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Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy ass get up is when your laptop says 5% Battery Remaining. 
People are what they do, not what they say.
Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse, sorry I mean Sarah Jessica Parker.
LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?
Good night all, time to give my blankets some a*s and my pillow some head! Sleep tight!
Why do none of the doctors look like strippers? Where are all the ones I put through med school?
Hello! I am the Happiness Fairy. I've come to sprinkle happy dust to brighten your day. Now cheer up damn it, this sh it is expensive!
They say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself!
I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.
During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "yep"
single and ready to m(ake chocolate cake and sob)ingle
Who needs eHarmony when you've got cake-flavored vodka and chloroform?
Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "I wore a rubber?"
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Samuel L Jackson's voice. Re-read this one again Mother F*cker to make sure it's working!!
They say laughing 100 times is equivalent to working out for ten minutes, I'm scared if I get going I'll laugh myself into anorexia
THAT MOMENT: When the cop car that just pasts you makes a U-turn, you begin to wonder where your car papers at.....
My heart's not broken; it's just under construction. Fines will be doubled.
Internal Revenge Service
ME: Mom, I finally found a job! MOM: Great!,, What is it? ME: Debt collections.. MOM:... ME:... MOM:... ME: So, I think you know why I'm calling
The new legal DUI limit is .05, but if you're dyslexic, the limit is 50. 