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Stay in drugs, eat your school, and don't do vegetables 
Hello Miss I shave my eyebrows off and draw them back on about an inch to high !!!! Yeah that looks good if your going for the shocked look!!!!
Ya know, "American Pie" ruined it for any kid who really did have an amazing story about band camp.
If you die and wake up in hell, at least you know you did earth right!
You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.
If Mama Cass gave Karen Carpenter the ham sandwich she chocked on, they both would be alvive today!
There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!
The only thing to fear is fear itself. Also: -Zombies. -Velociraptors. -Unwanted pregnancy. -The Hamburglar. -Spiders. -Madonna's arms.
I wonder if the people who jerk off to anime p 0rn cry the entire time, or just after
My stepfather doesn't know it, but he owns the world record for eating the most jizz sandwiches in a year.
Found: One nose, stuck deeply in my business. Claim at your own risk. (I dare you)
If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.
I guess the Government will be working to ban tornadoes now
Hey Vegans, plywood contains animal products. You're surrounded. Sleep tight.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.
I hate Facebook in times of disasters, Everyone shares thoughts and prayers and pretty candle photos but nobody means it and nobody gets off their fat a$$es to do anything to help.
It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.
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