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No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it. 
I really only realize what I'm missing by not having a relationship when I have to make my own sandwiches.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.
I've got some terrible news: FOX
I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.
If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.
My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..
After the wife eats the last donut, it is apparently NOT OK to thank God for the plate not being made of sugar...
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..
It wasn’t until I tasted the chewy monkey bits through the chocolate & peanut butter,, that I realized I accidentally bought Rhesus Pieces.
Just saw Fast 6....watching the heroes downshift their auto stick in anger was just disappointing.
Goodbye Memorial Day weekend. Like a fifth of Vodka and a handful of prescription painkillers you made Monday more bearable......
Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.
I'm about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.
I swear some girls with big asses think they can get away with murder. You have a huge bass because your face is a car wreck, please behave yourself
I love you all and I am so glad I found you. (me talking to a bag of peanut M & M's I forgot I had
Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man. 