Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time...Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

   What girls age 18-22 lack in personality and sexual skills, they more than make up for by being incredibly gullible and naive.

   She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.

   A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

   There should be support groups for women that are nervous abouth their next Bra purchase.

   Audley Harrison has announced he's to come out of retirement after managing to knock out a w*nk.

   Apparently there was a big misunderstanding yesterday, between me and the cute little Japanese girl that was cutting my hair. as I explained to the officer, How was I suppose to know what she meant when she asked me if I'd like a "brow job".

   Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out.

   Please don’t drink and drive. Last night I put my hand out of the car to indicate I was turning right and some moron pulled the the bottle out of my hand!

   To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription

   I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"

   If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.

   The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?