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She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird 
I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.
*Phone on silent*. 10 missed calls. *Turns volume to loudest*. Nobody calls all day.
Why do some people feel they have speak for God and make excuses for him? Like they are his official spokesperson. Why can't he speak for himself?
my wife has spent all day arguing that she isn't stubborn...
If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
No, you idiot! I said 'avert' your eyes, not 'invert' them. Wow, that's disgusting!
I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.
Your ex will leave you, talk bad about you, act like they never knew you, miss you, hit you up and wonder why you don't reply... F*CK YOU
I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em.
Drake music be having you missing somebody else's ex.
99 problems.... but a blessing will come.
Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.
I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.
Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.
You cannot solve a woman with the same level that other guys tried.
I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity, walking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu!
My wife bet me that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her expression when I drove pasta!
Watched my first porno today... I looked much younger back then.
The number one rule when you are broke is to stop talking about being broke. Nobody wants you taking out your harmonica and singing the blues every time they talk to you. 