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my kids hit me up for money like a pinata 
I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
The fat guy at the bar with the pony tail and Metallica t-shirt has a gf, so I'll probably kill myself if I don't get laid tonight
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
From the way these other drivers are acting you'd think they've never seen a lady make a right turn from the left lane.
What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.
En Vogue was so right. I'm never gonna get it.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.
Kim and Kanye turn to each other, nod, and smile as the baby comes out immediately crying in auto-tune.
RELIGION: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My idea of the perfect workout is not working out.
I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'.
I would really appreciate it if Karma came with an explanatory note reminding you what you did to deserve it.
Stubbing your toe is only a lightswitch away.
I love science too. But not enough to warrant profanity.
If my dead body is ever discovered in a church building, please know that I was murdered somewhere else and then dumped in there.
Jesus take the wheel! No, seriously, all these signs are in Spanish and I can't read them! 