Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.

   A recent survey has said that 29% of pet owners sleep with their pets on the bed......... I tried it once, poor goldfish died :/

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.

   My day always feels a lot more productive when I think about all those forest fires I prevented.

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his a$$ or he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.

   Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

   My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.

   My bed isn't feeling well this morning...so I'm staying home to take care of it.

   It takes Canadian strippers 2 songs to get naked, because winter boots, parka, toque, scarf, mittens, long underwear, thermal undershirt....

   I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   Just cooked myself a dinner of roasted lightly charred grains with butter glaze reduction and light seasoning. (Burnt microwave popcorn)