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If i'm ever convicted of murder it will be because I had to say"excuse me" to many times while pushing a basket in Wal Mart. 
"No, officer, I wasn't driving with my eyes closed. I'm part-Chinese."
“If I was a dog, I would so hump your leg right now!”
My wife hates sex but I am so glad her best friend doesn't
A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.
A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don't subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day
my kids hit me up for money like a pinata
I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.
When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
The fat guy at the bar with the pony tail and Metallica t-shirt has a gf, so I'll probably kill myself if I don't get laid tonight
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
From the way these other drivers are acting you'd think they've never seen a lady make a right turn from the left lane.
What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, I'd probably do for a Klondike bar.
En Vogue was so right. I'm never gonna get it.
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