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What do bricks and ug-ly f@t girls have in common? They both get l@id by Mexicans. 
Tropical Storm 2013 Tip: To avoid lacerations while looting, be sure to wear puncture-resistant silicone oven mitts when crowbarring shop windows.....
You have not experienced crazy until you experience NYC crazy. A man just tried to sell me a book he wrote called Don't beat your kids or they are going to turn out like me. Lol
Before Faceb00k I hated waiting rooms. Now I'm like, sit in one spot for an hour? Yes, please
Turns all electronic devices off and lives happily ever after...
100% of non smokers die
When I was your age I was raising Pokemon, not babies
No one's gonna die if their boyfriend or girlfriend leaves them. Remember, it's a relationship, not a lung.
Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...
The best thing about being productive is going to bed knowing you did something. Or I think that's how productive people feel. I don't know.
There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic
why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.
We cannot allow gays to marry! It would destroy the sanctity of our prestigious divorce rate.
Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.
I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am
I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"
Oh well, a friend just tried to send ricin via email!!!! He never was the brightest color in the crayon box!!
ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...
ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids... 