Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Bit%h If We Break Up... I'm Changing My Netflix Password ... You Ain't Bouta Be Cuddled Up With Anotha Guy On My $8 a Month

   My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"

   When a tornado touches down in Oklahoma, they issue a PDS Broadcast. PDS must mean 'Pretty Damn Scary'

   It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there

   If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack the Cr@p out of them with a floppy disk and choke them with my Members Only jacket!!!

   I'm not just hungry...I'm Oprah hungry.....

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette

   The saddest bachelor parties are the ones where they didn't realize the girl goes in the cake AFTER it's baked.

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   There's nothing that screams "originality' like a bar named Cheers.

   Just got back from the ER. They told me that my Gallbladder was unremarkable. I'm kind of fond of it though.

   Guns and Explosions in Disney Parks? I think they are opening a Pakistan Pavillion at Epcot!

   One of the worst things that can happen to you is closing a tab by mistake and you don't know which website was it on.

   I never borrow money from people because payback is a b*tch.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   Age is no guarantee of maturity.

   My friend said to me, "you should start drinking Ensure" and I said, "if I'm going replace a meal with a beverage its going to be beer..."

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   A smile is way better than a duck face...