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All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you 
Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”
The only reason my heart appears cold and black is because I have my real heart locked in an indestrucible black heart shaped box and cryogenically frozen to prevent further damage.
Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?… When Nickelodeon made sense.
Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out
When you mess up a guy’s hair, he thinks it’s cute, but when you mess up a girl’s hair, just hope you’re wearing something bulletproof.
Being single sucks when you know exactly who you want.
"I want you to come inside me." - Buildings
Hey Obama … I just took a leak, but I didn't have my phone with me. Thought you'd like to know.
If you watch the Godfather backwards it's about a bunch of guys that come back from the dead and then go to a wedding
TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?
here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys
She divorced you because you didnde F**k her hard enough
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.
If you have a crime in mind, today's the day to do it...Happy national donut day!
Guarantee yourself a great day, by leaving me the hell alone.
God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection
Dear people who keep referring back to the good old days, why don't you stop using toilet paper and revert back to leaves so we can know your days were all that
I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus
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