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"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook! 
My Dad said if I get 1000 likes, my dog will come back to life!
Single people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince your girl or boyfriend you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re
I always make sure the music is loud when I'm having sex so I don't get to hear her say ''THAT'S NOT 9 INCHES!!!''
Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Are you a man who feels confident about his opinions? Has a high self-esteem? Well I think it's time to get you a woman.
I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.
I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.
If Iron Man and Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.
Dear spelling and grammer Nazis I'm righting this hear to distroy your intire day. May korekting this update be the only thing you thinc of the hole weakend. Sinsyearly, Me
Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.
I stepped in a big pile of Obama at the dog park this morning.
Obama says Bashar crossed the "red line" after using chemical weapons. So it's ok to kill thousands but don't you dare use chemical weapons.
I get it, you're an a$$hole. You don't have to keep proving it to me.
Mistakes are very fond of me.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)
Do not overly trust journalists coz they are more concerned with selling newspapers than telling the truth.
… you might be gay if you bend over and see 4 balls
Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He's going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay. 