Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Mondays are like a dry hand job. Hurts during, feels good when it's over... 
If only your liver could talk... the stories it could tell. That's why I keep it liquored up, so it will stay quiet.
imagine if everytime you yawned .. a ghost was putting his pecker in yer mouth ..
"Knock knock", "who's there?", "Weekend", "Weekend who?", "We can wish it was the weekend, but its MOnday!"
Dear Kanye; if you really are Yeezus, raise your album out of my recycle bin.
When people tell me knock knock jokes I pretend I'm not home.
I don't even drink my first cup of coffee every day, I just pour it over my head like a football coach so everyone knows I'm here to win.
Dear God, I could have wished a happy Father's day but decided against it considering how an absent, unaring and neglecting dead-beat dad you have been. I bet Kanye West would make a better father than you.
As it turns out, most people don't even notice when I'm withholding sex from them.
I don't drink, so you people don't get any better looking as the night wears on.
Strip malls are the most promiscuous of all the malls
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**
father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.
I don't think golfers are real atheletes. None of them have sleeve tats...
happy fathers day dad, I hope you found that pack of cigarettes you left to get a long time ago
I would wish my father a Happy Father's Day on Facebook but I blocked him
The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself. 