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Youtube is down so I'll just have to go to Instagram and imagine the cats are moving. 
My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute
If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho
Itunes was wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
a police uniform is just another gang color
You know How tornadoes only hit trailer parks hard... I'm guessing these Derechos only hit Home Depots hard.
My idea of a blind date is not removing your blind fold.
Women are like cats. Rub them right and they'll love you, on occasion.
It was a pleasure ruining my life with you.
Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night
Don't attack others when the beef is with yourself.
No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray
Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)
Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.
"I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.
No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.
I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I'll complain about the government invading my privacy,Right after I'm done telling you where I am and what I'm doing on Facebook, and as soon as I post this picture of what I'm eating on Instagram.
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