Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   a Genie told me I could have a great memory or an epic Phallus, but for the life of me I can't remember which one I chose...

   This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.

   Never trust those people who get to work an hour earlier than they have to. They’re up to something. Something sinister. Mark my words.

   Don't fall in love. Fall into a fire. Its less painful.

   They should play porn on gas station pump tvs so you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time.

   sometimes, just in case the government is monitoring me, I call people I don't like and leave messages about bombs

   Keep the planet clean. Its not Uranus

   If you wanna be stabbed or threatened every time you don't perform well in bed, get a latino woman.

   All I want for Father's Day is the last freakin donut.

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   Jeremiah quickly learned that as long as he had wine, some mighty fine wine, he would always have a friend.

   A snail was out walking one afternoon and was stopped, robbed and beaten up by two turtles. When the police arrived they asked him what had happened. The snail said he was not sure as it had happened so fast

   Just tried "unicycling"... My balls HURT.

   My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

   If Jesus turned water into wine, imagine what he could do with the bottled water we have now. He could probably turn aquafina into Grey Goose.

   Internet dating is like ordering fast food, It looks really good in the picture, but when you see it in person its a whole different ballgame.

   I bet Jesus was pissed that he missed the whole weekend and then woke up on a Sunday when the liquor stores are closed.

   Being a gentleman never goes out of style

   This bar has like 50 different kinds of beer and DiGiorno pizza and the bouncer keeps telling me it's a "grocery store"

   I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it's 7:30 already. You're gonna be late for work.