Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   You know ladies, if you don't snap me up soon, someone else will and then you'll have to wait 3 whole weeks till I'm single again.

   There is no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen Ninjas

   My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her

   Leaving work for lunch.....hmmm...wait a minute....What the helll am I talking about....I dont even have a job.

   The best person to be thrown in Jail with is the Kool aid man

   How do male Civil unions not end up with the phrase "I dude"

   I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   I wish I could have sex for everytime I was turned down for sex

   rub an atheist nutz the wrong way and they hiss like a snake that they are...

   Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

   I wonder if smart cars are even street legal.

   it is such a big waste how Jodan's national carrier is called Royal Jordanian airline instead of Air Jordan

   Never faked a sarcasm in my life.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years.

   There is a name for people without beards.... Women!

   I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far

   Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.