Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.

   I don't think golfers are real atheletes. None of them have sleeve tats...

   happy fathers day dad, I hope you found that pack of cigarettes you left to get a long time ago

   I would wish my father a Happy Father's Day on Facebook but I blocked him

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.

   Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   Dear God, Happy Father's Day.

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

   Kim Kardashian has given birth. No news on how big the litter.

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious