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The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. 
Hopefully the guy on the Skywire doesn't have to sneeze anytime soon.. Looks Dusty
I got 99 problems and walking over the Grand Canyon isn't one of them, # Insane.
This driving test is going terribly.
If I had a Burrito Supreme for every time this stupid toilet got plugged up… I probably wouldn't have a plugged up toilet ツ
"Kimye" calling their kid north west. in related news alicia keys naming her baby wherearemycar keys
No, Alicia Keys loves her piano, so her baby will be named Piano Keys ;)
Condoms aren't safe at all. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide, use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down.....Yup! That's how you wash a cup.
I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Kim & Kanye naming their daughter North West is like Alicia Keys naming her child Car... Car Keys.
Every neck tattoo should just say, 'I owe back child support.'
Hey people going to church, the gym or eating plants; Please keep it to yourself and stop telling us about it all the time.
I hear a bunch of weird animals, beeps, and clicking. Wish me luck people, I'm going into walmart......
Please forgive me, I got excited copying and pasting your status that I forgot to like it.
Congratulations Kanye for setting your daughter up to be teased with corny pickup lines all throughtout her school years. "Hey North West, wanna switch directions and go down on the "dirty south" with me?"
Saying that athiests can't say "OMG" because they're godless is like saying theists can't say "common sense" because they lack it.
I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants 