Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.

   mom, dad. I like my women how I like my coffee "you dont like coffee son" dad i- "why dont you like coffee?" dad youre making this difficult

   If you love something let it go, and if its doing better than you, try and ruin its life.

   I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.

   The day grenades stop exploding, i'll make it a point to catch one for you.

   When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.

   Instagram videos beacuse we wanna know if you are paying for the food you instagram.

   It's disappointing that even in this golden age of gender equality the number of female kidnappers remains appallingly low.

   Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic

   I hit the gym pretty hard this morning..... I really need to stop drinking and driving.

   I heard that women like it when you check up on them. So I installed CCTV in the kitchen.

   No need to make faces in pics. You're ugly enough as it is.

   I was fired from my job for going the extra mile. Being a tour guide is hard!

   What doesn't kill you was only practicing.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.

   I wish I was R Kelly, there are a lot of people I need to pee on.

   GET RICH OR FALL ASLEEP TRYIN

   It’s after 18 beers that you realise trees make more sense than people.

   That time you find yourself singing that song you hate and you end up throwing yourself off the 5th storey just teach yourself a lesson.

   Yes I’m the ugly friend who gets cropped out of Facebook profile pictures.