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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word. 
this beer sure tastes like Saturday!!
My wife said I was immature so I willed my comic book collection to my friend Steve instead.
So.... who was the best shooter this month?? A. Ray Allen B. Danny GreenC. LeBron JamesD. Aaron Hernandez”
I put seat belts on my dining room chairs because mom's lasagna is THAT good and also I had the same 4th grade teacher for 2 years straight.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Begrudgingly.
There are many fish in the sea. There are many birds in the sky. There are many animals everywhere. How will that make me feel better?
I hate when I'm stalking someone and another interesting person comes up and I get confused on which one I should continue to stalk.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Don't concern yourself with how I got in your house.
If your ass had a twitter account I'd follow it.
I may not remember a face or a name BUT I never forget an ass.
Garbage men are the least respected civil servants. They work just as hard as firemen and cops, but no one ever calls them heroes. Probably because they smell like used tampons and old Chinese food.
Today I feel like hitting free like to everyone post. Common everyone post something!!! This offer is about to end soon
If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.
If I like you, I will make fun of you. If I don't like you, I will also make fun of you. You just won't know.
Who thinks Bobby Brown knew what he was singing about in “My Prerogative”?
I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car.
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough. 