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Don't ask me how my night was coz I don't know. I was asleep. 
I'm pretty intelligent if you ask me and only me.
Today, I was chauffeured around town by a white guy. If only my great great great great great great great grandfather could see this.
I can't help thinking Moses would have been a hit at Olympic Swimming events.
If you can read this, congratulations, you're not a moose, unless you are a moose and can read in which case congratulations reading moose!
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
Any woman that has hand sanitizer in her purse will hide your body where nobody will ever find it.
Guys can be friends for months and not know each others' real names.
Never go arm wrestling with a man who has been single for over a year.
Sometimes you have to remember that the common denominator in every failed relationship you ever had is you.
When God said "do not covet", He was talking about your neighbor's Wi-Fi.
My boss is into me.Whenever I show up for work in the afternoon,she's always like "Where have you been?You should have been here hours ago!"
I only clap because I am glad its over not because it was a great speech.
Bring a banana peel to a karate fight.
I'm afraid your bio is writing checks that your profile pics can't cash.
When I die am donating my corpse to the ground.
I'm always disappointed when liar's pants don't actually catch on fire
Sometimes the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.
you know Jay-Z isn't OCD because he only had 99 problems....an OCD person would have an even 100 problems
The Rockets should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see the look on Dwight Howard's face. 