Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.

   I'm southern but not, "Calvin peeing on things decal on my truck" southern.

   Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!

   your head is so big.......you don't have dreams, you have movies.

   your teeth are so yellow you should get a part time job at the movie theatre spittin on the popcorn.

   your so black the cops shot at you and the bullets came after you with flashlights!

   why you hasselhoffing your stomach in that photo dude!

   Just found out I have some Native American in me. Well, that explains why I hate all of you.

   When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"

   Bow Wow been 14 for 20 years

   I wonder how many times in the past I was wrong before she entered my life and started keeping track?

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   Meatless lasagna goes real well with a double cheeseburger.

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   Maybe the reason you have 99 problems is that you're counting them instead of dealing with them

   Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.

   hey baby I wanna wreck you so bad you'll look like an exploded hotpocket

   If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me.

   I hated talking on the phone way before it was cool to hate it.

   "Oh, he drinks too much." - boring people talking about fun people