Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't think of it as 5-day-old pizza you found in the fridge, think of it as...pizza jerky.

   If only these walls could talk -- then I wouldn't be drinking all by myself.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore?

   I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   hmm I think i'll have a small snack *eats an apple, a packet of cookies, a small couch, the whole living room, a saudi arabian family of 4*

   Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   We're no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I....Yep, you just sang it, out loud, and realized that you have been RickRolled \m/

   There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.

   One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car

   I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming. I'm not afraid to leave it that way too.

   Show me a woman who doesn't gossip and I will show you a blind man.

   If I ever caught a robber in my house looking for money, I'd start laughing and start searching with him.

   If you're a man and in a relationship with a woman, life can get very confusing approximately every 28 days.

   The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend.

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   I didn't leave the house all day yesterday and the forecast for today is ceilings

   You got to live life on both sides of the coin, you never know which side its going to land on

   i should change my name to "period"....all the women seem to hate me