Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Jesus Christ. I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been damn hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea and you’re here watching sheep.”

   So this girl was like, “I wanna have your children” and I was like, “okay, but you’ll have to ask their mom first.”

   I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I also hate punctuation.

   If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Dogs have it so easy, they don’t go through the tedious process of three dates, they just have to smell each others asses.

   Satan must be boring. There are other ways of making people suffer other than setting them on fire, making them listen to Justin Bieber is a start.

   Sometimes when drunk I sleep in a ditch. Doesn’t make me love my bed any less. Actually makes me love it more. See? Cheating isn’t evil.

   Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.

   Don’t be selfish by asking god to find you a soul mate. God has bigger fish to fry, like cure diseases and save lives.

   The only time most people come clean is in the shower.

   Today we celebrate freedom...while the government monitors us.

   I'm poor, but not "vote for Obama" poor.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....

   Honor America by dying from complications of type 2 diabetes.

   I’m drinking because you’re talking.

   I forgive people by forgetting about them.

   *Steps outside house* *Sees some people* *Rushes back in*

   I just realized the more I ignore people the less miserable I become.