Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "One time, I got so hammered I woke up a cave three days later" - Jesus

   3/4 length trousers... For people who look a twonk in shorts, but have a tattoo they want you to see.

   Chickens can actually fly but have a fear of heights hence the name "chicken"

   Creating unnecessary drama is a tool of the ignorant.

   If you woke up this morning hungover and missing a thumb, America thanks you.

   Never have I felt like my childhood is a lie like today when I saw a man step on a banana peel and didn’t trip and fall.

   Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.

   I'm an Arab but NOT "death to America" Arab.

   Maybe someone stole her phone, that's why she hasn't called me in 3 years. Yeah I'm sure that's what it is.

   I was born to succeed, but then Facebook came along.

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.

   Studies show that children who are better liars tend to become more successful as adults.

   Sorry, your password should contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph & blood of a virgin!

   Independence Day was just a fake holiday created by the independence companies to sell more independence.

   No one needs a vacation from me more than me.

   Insomnia was a much more lonelier and sadder place before FB. Now I just can't wait to sleep 2 hours and have a miserable day.

   The only time you'll ever catch me poppin a molly is when that b1tch is talkin sh1t. #powrightinthekisser

   I've got problems and you're several of them.....