Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Medical Fact: If a women drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

   Try to be the person your dog thinks you are.

   I hope Kate Middleton doesn't have a misscarriage or Elton John will write a song about it.

   Life is a jingle as long as you are single. Once you are double you are inviting trouble.

   Stupid people should be made to pay for Oxygen.

   Finding your purpose in life is kind of like finding the G-Spot. Nobody needs to tell you, you'll know when you find it.

   If you're going to be stupid, don't do it on Facebook.

   Don't ask me how my night was coz I don't know. I was asleep.

   I'm pretty intelligent if you ask me and only me.

   Today, I was chauffeured around town by a white guy. If only my great great great great great great great grandfather could see this.

   I can't help thinking Moses would have been a hit at Olympic Swimming events.

   If you can read this, congratulations, you're not a moose, unless you are a moose and can read in which case congratulations reading moose!

   Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

   Any woman that has hand sanitizer in her purse will hide your body where nobody will ever find it.

   Guys can be friends for months and not know each others' real names.

   Never go arm wrestling with a man who has been single for over a year.

   Sometimes you have to remember that the common denominator in every failed relationship you ever had is you.

   When God said "do not covet", He was talking about your neighbor's Wi-Fi.

   My boss is into me.Whenever I show up for work in the afternoon,she's always like "Where have you been?You should have been here hours ago!"

   I only clap because I am glad its over not because it was a great speech.